Facing her demons
by intheclosetkitty
Summary: Jane is sick of feeling like this. Trigger warning self harm and eating disorder Maybe future rizzle Quite dark stuff so don't like don't read.
1. Chapter 1

Authors note:Trying to get back into writing this will be my first proper fic. Also I tend to write about rather dark subjects to do with mental health and such so if your easily triggered or will be offended by anything along those lines don't waste your time reading this. Hope you enjoy

Jane Rizzoli lay on the cold tiles and cried she cried harder than she'd ever cried before. The raven haired detectives body shook with sobs as the realisation of what she had been doing to herself for over half of her life hit her.

You see if anyone had told her at 14 years old that the self destruction she had already began would eventually lead to this moment this awful awful moment she would have simply replied "I'll be better by then."

But the truth is she wouldn't be better and that at thirty something years old she'd be lay on her bathroom floor next to a vomit filled toilet bowl struggling to breathe through the desperate sobs of realisation.

The truth is that her clothes would still be hiding self inflicted wounds the burns,cuts,scratches and bruises. That the delusion that it would all get better was just that a delusion.

The truth is that the 'diet' she started when she was 12 lead to a lifetime of starving, bingeing, purging and over exercising. It lead her to believe she was fat and disgusting and unlovable.

The truth is that she hadn't been brave enough to tell anyone she was gay and she still hadn't accepted herself.

The truth hurts.

And as Detective Jane Rizzoli lay there on her bathroom floor exhausted from purging yet another meal, exhausted from trying to stop herself running the blade over her arms only to fail anyway she cried and cried and cried until she fell asleep.

Sorry it's short just wanted to get it started please review and tell me how you found it


	2. Chapter 2

I just read this and noticed I missed a few mistakes so I skorted the m sorry guys there sorted now though!

Gonna try and update as often as I can will just have to see what I can squeeze out of my brain.

Please review I will take all comments/ideas/criticism on board

Hope you enjoy!

Also thank Wolflover007 for your review I've take your advice on board and I hope you find this chapter better I also agree with you on jane being the one with the eating disorder once again thanks for your review all feedback is appreciated

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><p>" Ugggh." Groaned a sleepy Jane Rizzoli as an agitated dogs bark brought her out of her slumber.<p>

"Shit." The tall detective hissed taking in her surroundings before hauling herself up into a sitting position and reaching over to flush the remains of last nights dinner down the toilet.

Her muscles were aching, throat burning and her arm was stinging. She looked down at her arm in disgust as she noticed the slightly open cuts on her left forearm. Remembering the previous night She traced her fingers lightly over the angry redness surrounding the semi-deep slices. Slowly she pinched some of the cuts edges together, to determine how much first aid she was going to need, deciding that steristrips weren't necessary she would just need some cleaning alcohol and band aids.

Then the bark retuned ,being more aware now she realised it was Jo Friday which brought her to wonder how long exactly she'd been in the bathroom.

The dark haired Italian dragged herself up from the floor using her sink as a support because she didn't trust her aching legs to hold her weight.

As she studied her reflection in the oval shaped mirror above the sink she took note of how chubby her face had got she also reminded herself how ugly she was and how no one could ever love a fat, ugly, dyke fuck up like herself. Jane then forced herself to snap out of the trance of self hatred when she felt her eyes brimming with tears,she couldn't turn up to work with puffy red eyes that would make it obvious she was weak, everyone would be able to tell what a fucking mess she was.

Jane remained In the mirror for about five minutes scraping her unruly curls into a simple ponytail, applying some concealer around her eyes to mask some of the redness caused by the purging and crying the night before and finally brushing her teeth removing the acidic taste of vomit out of her dry mouth.

On unsteady legs the fragile woman made her way to the bathroom door leaving a bloody mess on the bathroom floor not really aware that the white tiles were streaked with a substantial amount of blood, no where near enough to be fatal but plenty enough to know somebody was hurt.

When The hurting soul opened her bathroom door she was greeted by her scruffy looking little Canine friend, who seemed rather pleased to see her. After Jo Friday had calmed from the excitement of being reunited with her owner she began to whine pleading with her Janie to take her out to empty her bladder. After all she had been waiting 9 hours, patiently, for her to return from the bathroom.

"Alright gir..." Jane croaked through her sore throat as her voice allowed one word before failing her completely.

But Jo Friday understood running to the front door and sitting directly in front of it.

Jane navigated her way though her home discovering that it was 6:30am and that she had to begin to get ready for work soon. Grabbing a jacket off the hanger near her door she slipped it onto her small frame before hooking Jo's leash onto her collar and heading outside.

After retuning from the desperatley needed walk Jo went and curled up on the couch but jane couldn't sit about it was now 6.50am and she had to be at the precinct for 8:00am.

Slightly steadier on her legs than before the Italian made herself a cup of coffee, no milk or sugar of course 'too fat to deserve those luxuries!' She thought to herself while she moved around the kitchen to fill Jo Fridays food bowl.

Now ready for work jane stood in front of her full length mirror inspecting herself from her feet up.

She was wearing dark leather boots with a small heel. Plain black boot cut trousers were worn on her bottom half her gaze stopped on her thighs, she punched her left thigh hard and winced. But she wasn't wincing at the pain she just inflicted on herself she was wincing at the way her fat jiggled after the blow. She hit the same place repeatedly staring intently at the way her leg wobbled the way it was just there big wobbly and just there! She had to change. Janes eyes filled with tears the tears were a mixture of pain , her leg was definitely going to bruise, and disgust at how huge her legs were.

'YOUR SO FUCKING FAT!'

Her mind screamed at her.

'Your not just fat though your a waste of space you can't even go a day without hurting yourself you freak.'

The voice that wasn't actually a voice but her own thoughts continued to mock her.

'You know what would your mother say if she found out girls got you wet? How would she feel if she knew every meal she cooked you since you were 12 was either thrown back up or hidden and thrown in the trash? Your a fat ugly disgustingly scarred lesbian freak and Charles Hoyt should've just made everyone's life a lot fucking better and killed you dead!'

At that jane audibly whimpered, her hand immediately reaching up to cover her mouth. The detective ,who was now fighting hard to hold back the tears, tore her gaze from her thighs and checked the rest of her appearance the detective wore a white tank top topped with a red low neck T-shirt. Finally deep brown eyes traveled down thin tan arms and landed on the still untended to mess that covered her left forearm.

"Well that needs sorting before I go to work!" She half chirped half croaked enthusiastically trying to cheer herself ,up not succeeding at all. The coffee seemed to help her voice come back a tad at least.

Fist aid kit placed next to her on the still freshly made bed jane opened it and retrieved cotton balls, peroxide and band aids.

With a peroxide soaked cotton ball jane wiped all the dried up blood away before paying more attention to the actual cuts. She started on the deepest wound jane dabbed a new soaked cotton ball first over ,then inside the cut noticing she she could see some fatty tissue and should probably put a Couple steri strips on this particular one to reduce scarring ,she sighed.

"Does it matter now anyway?"

Checking her bedside clock she was shocked to see it was 7:35 already which meant if she hurried up there would be enough time to nip and grab Maura and herself a coffee . She loved making small gestures like that to see the genuine smile of appreciation on her best friends face. Oh how she loved to make her Maura smile.

And with that thought Detective Jane Rizzoli stuck a few more band aids on her arm ,not caring to tidy her first aid equipment away as she was not expecting visitors any time soon, then plastered on her best Rizzoli smile while walking out of her home remembering to slip her black blazer over her arms before striding out of her front door with the Most realistic fake confidence anyone had ever seen she was falling apart and no one even knew.


	3. Chapter 3

Mauras coffee in her hand Jane entered the precinct trying to forget the previous night. Last night she cut on her arms, something she hadn't done in many years not

since she was 17 in fact. Jane couldn't deal with people today and that's ex

actly what she was faced with as soon as she walked into her work place. People too many people, people who she feared would look into her eyes and see straight through her facade. With her head down avoiding any eye contact with her co workers ,who seemed to swarm the main entrance of the police department, Jane took large fast strides towards the elevator which would take her to the slightly more safer place at her desk. "See they're all staring at you your a mess... A fat mess." The voice sniggered Jane tried to ignore it but the more it spoke the more she listened "why do you even try to ignore me if you had just listened when all this started you would either not be fat anymore or you would be dead either way they would have nothing to stare at but no your still fat and disgusting and people stare and are repulsed by you your vile!" And the more she listened the more she could feel the glaring gazes of disgust she thought were being thrown her way. The feeling got so overwhelming that she turned around to see for herself the stares she could feel. As the detective peeked around her shoulder she caught eye contact with a newbie cop she vaguely remembered panicking at the eye contact she smiled quickly in his direction setting the voice off once again "no don't smile , you have an ugly smile no one wants to see you smiling!" Janes eyes welled up she was tired of feeling like this she couldn't see a way out her own mind was killing her and she couldn't even begin to

Try and take control she was stuck.

To Janes relief the elevator door finally opened letting her in she quickly stepped inside and pressed the button to her floor. The raven haired detective turned around to face outwards into the precinct as the doors closed and hid her away just a second before she felt an escaped tear trickle down her tanned cheek.

Inside the elevator Jane took a few deep breaths and wiped her cheek sniffling a few times before whispering sternly "pull yourself together Rizzoli !" The detective heard that familiar ding taking it as a queue to stand taller and paint a slight genuine looking smile on her face.

After stepping out of the elevator and placing Mauras coffee on her desk Jane sat down to compose herself before even attempting to go to see Maura she would be able to tell something wasn't right. The detective sat at her desk head in hands trying to calm her thoughts when she heard the elevator ding she ignored it and continued to breathe deeply And get focused for work until she heard the familiar clicking of heels approaching. Knowing who it was without looking up She looked up anyway to admire Dr Maura Isles's figure as the honey blonde almost sauntered down the corridor. Janes smile genuine and belly warm as she waited for the beautiful doctor get nearer but as She walked through the door and their eyes made contact Mauras smiley eyes dropped into a look or concern and she began to study her best friends face something was definitely wrong. Jane noticed Mauras reaction to her and knew that she knew something wasn't right. The warmth in her stomach gone, it was now knotting in dread, her smile no longer genuine but tight and forced.

"Everything Alright Jane ?" Maura inquired as she reached janes desk , Jane took a very deep breath before swallowing the lump in her throat.

"Yeah fine I got you coffee."

Jane replied handing Maura her beverage. Today was going to be hell.


End file.
